Honestly, it feels almost scandalous to be writing to you about the idea of actually having self-confidence because this has been my greatest battle and often my slipperiest slope. Sometimes, I feel like a pathetic poser instead of a Victory Girl. However, I feel compelled to confess this to you right at the get-go because I’m under fire as I’m writing this. Right now, there’s still a very real war raging in my heart and mind.
Sweet girl, please know this: I’m in this fight with you.
Listen, I’ve been in the trenches and quite honestly l almost lost some ground. In the days leading up to my surgery, I struggled to keep some semblance of confidence intact.
In an intense season of doubt, the enemy surrounded me. The timeliness of events in my life cannot be overlooked or mistaken as coincidence. No, this timing was filled with God’s purpose for both you and me. It’s almost laughable, except it’s very (very) real. How real? Interrupting my coffee real.
Time for Some Truth Over Coffee
Unbelievably, I remember this day in full detail. As I sat on the couch facing my husband, I felt every bit as broken as the girl he first met twenty-seven years ago. When we met, I was a bumbling, insecure, ignorant girl who despite having been around the block was still completely unaware of how tight fear’s grip was on me. Back then, I was worried, anxious, afraid, even terrified. And, all over again on this day. Doubts swirled around in my head like confetti; only, this didn’t feel like a party. Would he still find me attractive? I imagined he’d be disappointed. Would I be enough? On and on, these nonstop questions kept me from focusing on our morning ritual.
Girls, I know, I’m selling my man short here. This litany of lies was all in my head, yet quickly making its way to my heart. None of this was ever his idea; it was all mine. When I had begged and pleaded, hellbent on getting my own way, he finally gave up trying and succumbed to my request. But know this, from day one, he was not on board.
And, now every single insecurity I had managed to overcome in the past twenty-three years was coming for me again. Headlong. Fierce. Unrelenting.
Thankfully, that’s when my man did the sweetest thing. It stopped me in my tracks.
Who was this unrecognizable woman who just took over my entire being in a split second? How had she been able to infiltrate my mind so thoroughly and completely? Twilight zone? Freaky Friday? I don’t know.
Actually, it’s much simpler, I simply forgot. For a few brief seconds (okay it was definitely longer than that, but who’s counting) I forgot who I was…who I am…who I have become. In that moment, I looked to the world for my validation. I believed the lies. Sadly, I lost all my confidence. I’m talking every last drop just vanished. Raise your hand if you’ve been there too.
Please, somebody tell me I’m not alone.
I desperately needed a crash course in Self Confidence 101
Even if all I wanted to do was go into hiding (again) David was right, there was no time for that nonsense. And, at just the right moment, my sweet man reminded me where to go to find the confidence I craved. It was time to kick off my flip flops and run as fast as I could to the One who is my Anchor. And, that’s exactly what I did. Outside, in the middle of an early October snowstorm awaiting my explant surgery, I stood still and cried out to God to help me keep my sense of security.
What’s an explant?
If you don’t know; honestly, neither did I. In fact, I had no idea there was a name for my plan. Think in opposites and you’ll be close to figuring it out. Implant. Explant. Get it?
On December 3, 2003 I was suddenly the most confident woman I’d ever hoped to be.
In they went (the fake boobs) and everything was perfect for all of about 3 minutes. What I didn’t know was things were already getting toxic on the inside. I thought increasing my bra size would give me the confidence I had longed for. My hope was to get rid of every crippling insecurity and somehow become pretty in the process. Needless to say, it didn’t happen the way I had imagined.
In hindsight, all I got was an immediate and completely false sense of security. What a sham; within two years I was “on the couch for months at a time” ill, undiagnosable, and mostly sick of me.
It’s important to note that in January 2004, I went into hiding.
Just weeks after my dreams became reality I was on the run from reality.
Saying Good-bye to the girls
Fast forward sixteen years to the day; December 3, 2019, it’s surgery day. Finally, it was time to say good-bye to the girls and honestly, I was struggling.
My man was right. It was time to live out the message on my heart. Time to put my money where my mouth was and actually live out loud what I’d been teaching for years. Like water off a duck’s back, these words had been rolling off my tongue for quite some time.
So, exactly what had I been preaching for so long? If you listened to my radio show or heard me speaking, you’d have heard:
“In Christ, you are enough.”
“God designed uniquely designed you; you’re fearfully and wonderfully made.”
“You have everything you need living on the inside of you to live the victorious life (through the Holy Spirit).”
The big question.
Did I really believe my own message enough to slay the beast before me now?
Girls, this explanting had the potential to break me down and send me into hiding all over again. And, ain’t nobody got time for that!
But, back to my all-important coffee fiasco.
One more thing you need to know is that I have a coffee addiction and coffee with my man is sacred. I don’t say that lightly; every morning whether we’re together in the same state or not, we have multiple cups of coffee together. It’s our thang! It’s where we solve the world’s problems and give our very best love to one another. We are both quality-time people. I need this time with him; it’s imperative to my overall well-being.
More than just my coffee fix was on the line here; it’s that important. Maybe not life or death important, but right up there!
So, while we were having our sacred coffee time, I mustered up all the courage I had.
I looked straight into David’s eyes. With big tears in the corner of my eyes, I broke my silence saying something like this.
“This is going to be so hard on me. Every insecurity I’ve ever had is crashing down on my self-confidence. Are you still going to love me (yes, this sounds very melodramatic, but I meant it in the moment) because what if I look deformed…what if I…”
Before I could even finish my last sentence, he stopped me. My amazingly kind man looked me right back in the eyes and reminded me to “run to God.”
It was the very best answer.
Specifically, David reminded me to run to God’s Word. Because he knows where I’ve been and doesn’t want me to go back there again, he wanted to put a stop to this before it got any uglier. With so much love, he said, “Amy, find ten scriptures to help you combat all this bull crap. Go to the Word of God and get the help you need now before your surgery. Don’t wait. Why would you wait?” This was not a suggestion or question. He meant business.
I literally laughed out loud in his face. I know, not my finest moment, but I did. Not at him, but at me. Because that’s exactly what I’d tell you to do in a similar situation and here was my very un-churchy man preaching at me. Why was I freaking out?
The teacher was definitely getting schooled in regaining her self confidence.
I’d come so far. I’d come out of hiding long ago. However, contrary to what the world says, I did not ‘find myself’ nor my self confidence from within. Over time, I had learned to run to God when I was feeling not enough or insecure, when I was lacking confidence, when I felt unseen, unknown, unheard, and unloved. And, definitely, when I was scared, hurt, or lonely. In the times where I felt like I didn’t belong, didn’t get the invite, or didn’t measure up. Ultimately, when I forgot, and before I really even knew who I was, God was there.
In all these circumstances, I had to retrain my brain to turn to God.
Where to Go? 20 Scriptures for Self Confidence
Yes, I knew where to go; but there she was, that timid, ashamed, insecure girl who’d spent years hiding from God. Somehow, I’d forgotten I don’t have to hide anymore; instead I can run to God because he says:
- I am enough. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
- Don’t be afraid. (Joshua 1:9)
- I am your secure fortress. (2 Samuel 22:2)
- I am your hiding place. (Psalm 32:7)
- By my stripes you are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)
- God sees you. (Genesis 16:13)
- I know you. (1 John 3:19-20)
- I hear you. (1 John 5:14-15)
- You are beauty itself to Me. (Song of Songs 4:1)
- God loves you. (Ephesians 3:18-19)
- I will never leave you or forsake you. (1 Chronicles 28:20)
- I choose you. (John 15:16)
- You belong. (Isaiah 44:5)
- There’s a seat at the table for you. (Psalm 23:5)
- I will be a shield around you. (Psalm 3:3)
- I created you in your mother’s womb. (Jeremiah 1:5)
- Remember, you are Mine. (Isaiah 43:1)
- You are My daughter, My beloved, My bride. (Galatians 3:26)
- Come away with Me, my darling. (Song of Songs 2:10)
- Now is the time. (2 Corinthians 6:2)
Sweet girl, God is saying all that and so much more to us.
But maybe you’ve never heard those things before. Or maybe, like me, you momentarily forgot. I completely understand. That’s why the last scripture reference above is the most important. Right now, time is of the essence; this world needs us to step up and speak the truth.
Whatever your truth is, that’s what God needs your voice for in the world today. Wherever you’ve experienced His mighty-working power, that’s where God wants to begin shining His light on you. Because when we get brave enough to share our stories, it is God who gets the glory. Amazingly, this where life gets really fun.
Without a doubt, our Self Confidence comes straight from the Heart of God.
Ultimately, only what God says matters. Sticks and stones may break our bones. And certainly, others’ words can harm us in huge ways. Yet, when we learn to listen to God instead of listening to the lies, our confidence grows by leaps and bounds.
I am living proof of a life changed by the very heart of God for me.
In closing, I want to remind you of one important thing. God is for you! Get your hands on a Bible and you’ll find that you have everything you need to go forth in confidence.
In the end, sharing your story brings healing. Moreover, something powerful happens when we do. As we become transparent, our healing becomes theirs too.
P.S. I’m thankful for a man who stays when I’m at my weakest and my worst. And, one who’s willing to remind me where to go when I’ve somehow forgotten where my confidence resides. Now that we’ve been reminded, I hope you go grab your Bible and hang on for dear life! Honestly, you’ll be so glad you did!
Before you go, you might want to read my original post.
When I made my decision to explant, I started here. Indeed, the heal is real! While there is a growing number of women experiencing Breast Implant Illness, many still don’t have any idea what it is they’re truly dealing with. This article from BreastCancer.org is extremely helpful in understanding the reality of the situation. Hopefully, these resources help you to make the very best decisions for your life.
Perhaps, I might recommend a book? Not only did I find self confidence, but I have found some victory too. BAVG helps prepare you for battle like a “field guide for spiritual battle.” A few friends have said they carry it in their purse for easy reference during their fiercest battles. Whether you need inspiration or a pep-talk, this book retrains your thought patterns into a more victorious lifestyle.
© Amy Elaine Martinez and AmyElaine.com, 2016-2020. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner are strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Amy Elaine Martinez and AmyElaine.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.